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Melissa Fino

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melissa@loveyourlifecommunity.com

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4833 Santa Monica Avenue

Suite 7742

San Diego, CA 92167

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    MELISSA'S MUSINGS

    A place where heart and mind can connect through the power of words.

    How to Stop People Pleasing and Start Saying Yes to Yourself.

    October 5, 2018

     

     

    Hi my name is Melissa and I aim to please…

     

         It sounds funny I know but most of us (especially women) are taught at a young age that we should think of others before we think of oneself.  We’re taught to believe that if we don’t think of the needs of others were selfish but I believe that when we don’t consider our own needs we’re foolish.

     

         When we don’t take into account our own needs, feelings or emotions we are left with very little to give and in the end we present ourselves to others when we are not at our best. Wouldn’t you prefer to be wholeheartedly present and available to your friends and family at the most important times? I know I would.

     

    To do that we must put our own needs first.

     

         People pleasing is unhealthy. We say yes and pretend to agree with someone or something because we don’t want to rock the boat. We politely smile and nod our head because life is easier without arguments.

     

         Then there’s the time where we feel that if we disagree with a loved one that they’ll reject us and maybe even leave us. We fear that the other person may dislike us for not agreeing with them therefore, we remain silent. In the end we say nothing, but inside our minds are ruminating on our thoughts and we wonder should we have spoken our truth.

     

    Truth be told, we probably should have, as it’s bound to show up in the future. In one form or another.

     

         But people pleasing doesn’t end there as there are numerous facets to consider about HOW or WHY we do it. Some of us continue to put the needs of others in front of our own as we feel that being needed by others determines our worthiness. If we do for them, they will love and need us, and being needed makes us WORTHY. But this is so WRONG!

     

         This type of people pleasing indicates a larger problem in itself as our worth can never be determined by someone else. Additionally healthy love is not centered on what we can and cannot provide. We love because we do not because of what others can do.

     

          So how do we find balance between loving ourselves and meeting our own needs, as well as the needs of those we love?

     

          Believe it or not, the answer is not as complex as it appears to be. We need to offer love and compassion to ourselves before we can ever give it to another. Here’s why. When we give continuously we’re left with nothing and when the tank is depleted there is nothing left to give.

     

    So are you ready to put yourself first for once? If you are I have a couple of self-care practices that you can start with right now.

     

    • Get outside and get some fresh air.

    • Play with one of you children or someone else’s if you have to.

    • Set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

    • Avoid over-analyzing and turning situations and conversations into something larger than what they truly are.

    • Get some exercise.

    • Create a gratitude journal or jar.

    • Spend time alone even if it scares you.

    • Howl at the moon or dance in the rain.

    • Have more fun.

    • Practice the “pause” before reacting. Often when we do this it changes our reactions.

    • Get some rest.

    • Be patient. With you and with others.

    • Laugh more.

    • Love more.

    • Be creative by journaling, drawing, painting etc.

    • Rest.

    • Spend time with positive people.

     

          Truth be told, there are numerous ways to practice self-care but the best way for a people pleaser to practice self care is by learning how to say NO. Saying no can be hard but ultimately a hard no to someone else is a big yes to you.

     

    And isn’t saying yes to you what this is all about?

     

     

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