This is an excerpt from my Amazon BestSeller Little Miss Perfect.
What if you spent your whole life living a lie? So many of us do, often unknowingly. We close ourselves off from who we are in order to become the person we believe we should be and then we wonder why we feel lost, or even unsettled in our own skin.
And it’s not always about who we think other people think we should be either. Oftentimes we’re the ones who are judging ourselves for the path we’ve chosen, or the dreams we’ve yet to have the courage to explore.
We’re the ones saying we’re not enough.
We’re the ones saying that we, as we are, are imperfect.
We’re the ones saying we’re failures and we’ll never get it right.
Yes, your family may have placed pressure on you. But you are the one whose thoughts continue to run rampant, leading you to believe that you could (or should) be more than you are in this moment. You are the one that continues to believe the lies that your mind has created based on familial conditioning and societal programming.
Which also means that you have the power to change all of that too.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I was able to see that there was so much more within me than I’d realized. Before that time, I didn’t grasp the reality that my own self-worth had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with other people. I had always looked at it the other way around so it’s no wonder I felt anxious all the time, never feeling like I fit in anywhere including within my own body.
I had the belief that if people liked me, then I was valuable. If men desired me, then I was valuable. But If I liked myself? Well that meant nothing. My opinion of myself wasn’t important. I needed others to tell me that I mattered because as far as I could tell, I was absolutely worthless.
The only time these beliefs didn’t ring true were the moments where I’d surpassed some sort of societal standard like losing weight, or making a certain income, or dating the ‘hot’ guy. If I lost twenty pounds, I would be worthy, but those feelings never lasted longer than a few days. If I was desired by an attractive man, I would be worthy, but that never lasted either. My self-worth was dependent on how others saw me, and had nothing to do with how I saw myself. Ever! Which wouldn’t have mattered much anyway given that my beliefs about myself were total shit.
I never felt pretty. But if the right person told me I was, I allowed myself to feel it temporarily. Or at least pretend to. I would repeat the words to myself, letting them sink in and basking in the momentary satisfaction. But the rush of positive emotions were always fleeting. That short-lived high wouldn’t last long because I had learned to let the good feelings go just as fast as they came in. It’s as if kind words and compliments made me uncomfortable, so in order to feel normal again, I’d have to bat them away and forget they were ever spoken to me. I was afraid of holding onto them too long. And to this day, I’m not really sure why.
I deemed myself broken, as broken as one could be.
And as I’m writing this now, I wish I could and hug the young woman I used to be. I wish I could give her the unconditional love she deserved, and that she so desperately craved and needed. The love that I speak of is the same love that I wish for you, and something you deserve to feel every single day.
Like you, I can’t change my past, the mistakes I’ve made, the words I’ve spoken, the shitty thoughts that used to run rampant in my head, or the insecure, hate-fueled responses I’ve made. But what I can do is be a loving example of what’s possible through forgiveness, and remind you that if you’ve ever felt this way, you are not alone and healing is possible...
This blog entry is directly pulled from my Amazon BestSeller Little Miss Perfect.
If you enjoyed this sample you can purchase the book right here.
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