Looking in the mirror has always been somewhat of an anomaly for me. Up until a few years ago what I saw in the mirror didn’t really appear to be me. What I saw was ugly, inside and out. These words are unforgiving. But the truth is I was unforgiving.
I was cruel to myself every day. I repeatedly told myself things that I could never say to another person. I told myself that I would never be good enough. I told myself I was fat. I told myself I was stupid. Today, when I repeat those words I cringe. My heart hurts for the little girl who was trapped inside of me screaming. Why did I act that way? Why was I filled with pain?
I was sad. I was different. I was insecure. Every part of me was insecure.
My insecurities changed me. They took away the fun loving, carefree soul that I once was and replaced me with a bitter, cold hearted ice princess. I was lost. Life terrified me. When I saw beauty in others it terrified me. When I saw strength in others I was envious. My inner voice would tell me to take them down. Who do they think they are? What gives them the right to be confident? Eventually, I began to project those insecurities onto others. My insecurities made me mean. The truth is it was my insecurities that made me ugly.
Every day I tried to change but I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t want to be me. I felt like I should be someone else. My life’s paradox was that it is only when I allowed myself to be me that I became happy.
Authenticity, the newest stage in my life had become the hardest. I had run the gamut of emotions. What I had spent a lifetime covering up would now have to come to the surface. The parts of me (all of them) that were closed off and unavailable had decided to become open and raw, truthful, straightforward and honest. I began to embrace the parts of me that I had always thought were not enough. I embraced my insecurities with love. I shut down the need to judge myself. The need to judge others. I replaced judgment with kindness, warmth and love. I allowed all of my feelings to surface. And when they did I met them openly. More feelings were met with more love.
What I had learned was that I had spent a lifetime closing the door on feelings that were uncomfortable. Changing my inner voice and becoming honest about all of my feelings was my only path towards freedom.
Offering love to myself was unfamiliar. It was something that I had never done before. I had replaced self-hatred with self-love. When my inner voice began to scream that it was scared I would soothe it with calming words. I would offer kindness to myself; the same kindness that I would offer to a stranger. How funny it is to think that most of my life, I’ve been kinder to strangers than I have to myself.
It is only when I felt secure and whole on the inside that it began to show on the outside. Authenticity brought happiness. I presented myself differently. My confidence began to grow. I began to judge myself less. When feelings of judgment began to surface they were met with kindness and love.
With authenticity my life began to change. What I have learned is that who I am is enough. What I have learned is that when I look in the mirror the person who looks back at me is strong, beautiful and worthy. Yes. I am so worthy. And so are you. We are all worthy of life and love. I urge you to let down your walls and show your beautiful soul. Own your story. Set yourself free.
Be truth. Be beautiful. Be you.
I share my truth because sharing my story has changed my life! I know there are other women out there who are just like me. Please share this with them. Empower all women around you to be authentic, truthful and beautiful.
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