Why I let insecurities keep me from opening up with other women…
When you are not comfortable in your own skin everything in life becomes a challenge. Personally, I had my own reasons why I felt like I didn’t fit into the world (these are all things I’ll share later). I felt hopeless and alone. In the moments where I felt as if who I was not good enough I had become psychologically isolated from the world around me. In my weakest moments of insecurity I did not feel comfortable around other women. The main reason is I was insecure. I wanted to be a better version of myself, and I wasn’t there. I had no idea how to become this person. In these moments, I couldn’t identify as a confident woman and I felt as if every moment, with other women was spent in a constant state of judgment. Let’s face it women are mean, catty and can prey on the weak. I was the weak. Better yet, I was the weakest.
Those closest to me had no idea that I felt this way. Yet underneath all those layers were insecurities that crippled me from opening up to others, especially other women.
So there you go... My twenties were spent comparing myself to women who were smart, vivacious and pretty. I always felt like the weaker version. But then came my thirties, and with this bend in the corner came the realization that only I can make myself happy. I started to notice that I was spending way to much time comparing myself to others and too little time focusing on my own strengths. All that time being disconnected from the world had actually forced an internal disconnection.
When I turned inward and reflected on my own feelings I found out I actually had strengths. I was surprised to find out what I had been hiding!
I began to find that I was strong, not just physically but emotionally as well. When I dropped my guard (my protective outer shell) my natural beauty began to shine. I returned to school, and than graduate school. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was an intellectual. I was also surprised when I came to the realization that I had numerous gifts that I could share with others. When I let my guard down and opened myself up, the universe provided for me in ways that were unimaginable. When I became comfortable in my skin my inner beauty began to match my outer appearance and it was glorious. I truly had arrived.
With this came the ability to let new people into my life, particularly women. My insecurities had fallen to the wayside and I was no longer spending all of my time wondering what the other person was thinking about me. I was more concerned with truly getting to know the person in front of me, rather than wondering why they were looking at me.
I write about this today as I just came back from an incredible girls weekend, with some close friends and a few acquaintances. The old me would have never felt comfortable enough to open up to acquaintances. Absolutely not comfortable enough to get below the surface. I would have been insecure. Always wondering what they were really thinking about me. But it was me, the ME today, that went on this trip and I left with new best friends. I was truly able to open up and be myself, and when I can do that I know I am beautiful, the world around me is beautiful.
Picture from my beautiful girl's weekend.
***Sidenote- Now a days when I find myself staring at someone else I immediately go over to them and tell them why. Most of the time I want to know where their workout pants are from, or what hairstylist does their hair. I’m usually looking at them positively, but I don’t ever want another women to feel the same insecurity that I felt. SO just in case I always let them know. You should do the same.