Does SHAME Hold you Back? A Deeper Look into My Story and How it has Led Me to My Purpose
Take a deep long breath and stay here for a little while as I have a story to share with you. Now take another breath, but hold onto this one for a longer time period. Keep holding. And holding. I’m envisioning you holding your breath for at least three or four minutes. You’re probably thinking I’m crazy and I just might be but listen to what I have to say. Take a deep breath and read what’s next. If you’re holding onto any past pain or hurt and not letting go or processing it, your body is doing what I suggested above, it’s suffocating.
It may be hard to believe but if we could all look inside of one another we could see that many of us are suffocating and we’re not alone.
If you have reverted to hiding your story or swallowing it whole then I have some news for YOU. In order to let that shit really go, you have to talk about it. You have to OWN IT. Yes, it will be painful and it will hurt. At points you may feel like you’re losing a limb but nothing will ever be more painful then carrying that story with you for the rest of your life.
Want to know why? That story will continuously come up for the rest of your life and it will always come up at the most stressful times. So don’t go seeking meaning, or looking for purpose. Those are things that may come later after your truth has been brought to the forefront. Instead focus on what it is that you have buried deep, down inside of you. And what the future may hold when you finally say those words out loud.
I’ve seen friends, clients and family hold onto horrific truths that have crippled them for life. I’ve also seen what happens when we are strong enough to say those words that we believe define us. I know this to be true because I no longer hold my truth deep down inside of me.
The truth is I have always been insecure. At a younger age, my insecurities consumed me and with this I allowed people to treat me differently then I would now. I felt worthless and with this I searched for validation from others.
This search brought me to my lowest lows. I attracted a partner who physically and verbally abused me for years. There were days when I never left the house because I didn’t want anyone to see my fresh bruises. There were days when I sat shaking and hiding underneath the desk in the alcove because I was afraid of his reaction if I moved.
He controlled me. He would call my work to see if I was actually there. He monitored my phone calls. I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone, family or friends, unless it was approved. He would make all of the decisions and I would follow along or there would be repercussions. So I always followed along.
There were years when I felt alone. There were years when I was.
I listened to him tell me I was worthless. I’d always be poor. No man would ever love me the way he did. I was broken. I’d never be more then a Portuguese waitress. Cleaning lady at it’s best. I listened to it all. And for years, those words became my truth. During my weakest moments, I would repeat them over and over in my head and I would believe them, even long after the relationship was over. I still believed.
I hid behind those words for years. I swallowed those words and allowed them to become my truth, but the real truth is they were only a small piece of me. I was and I am more than just that moment in time. I’ve spoken my truth, and let it all go and I will no longer allow it to hold me back or define me.
Instead, I have taken those broken pieces and used them to create a better, stronger version of the person I used to be. I’m not broken. I’m whole. I’m not worthless. I’m worthy. I’m not useless. I’m useful. I’m not weak. I’m strong. I’m empowered to love myself wholeheartedly as I am. AND I only want the same for you.
We all carry shame with us.
Shame can come from a traumatic experience such as abuse, trauma or rape. Or shame can even come from not accomplishing one of life’s traditional milestones such as college graduation, marriage or not having a child. All of these experiences lead to feelings of inadequacy, which result in shame. But as a whole, who we are is a result of numerous experiences and not just one!
So if you are allowing one experience, or one time period to suffocate you I encourage you to stop. You are so much MORE and YOU deserve MORE. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life and not a life where your inner demons hold you back. Pain can become your most powerful teacher. The choice is in your hands. Will you choose acceptance and speak your truth or will you choose rejection and become the victim of your story? If you choose acceptance it will lead to purpose.
This blog is part of a series that will continue again on September 28, 2018. At this point I will offer a deeper insight on significant future steps to finding your purpose but (if this affects you) I encourage you to work on speaking your truth and allowing it to come to the surface.
And if this really AFFECTS you please know that I am here for you and you can contact me via email or phone if you need support with owning your story and speaking your truth. I can empower you to own and LOVE every piece of you.